| everything is so different. so clear... and yet now that it is, it's confusing.
my life is a mess... yet it's not that bad.
i feel like i have accomplished so much... but it's nowhere near enough.
i'm so happy, but i don't feel it.
i work ridiculous hours... but i'm broke.
i miss the way things used to be... but i don't want it back.
i hate this feeling. i've never felt this way before. it's not that i'm depressed. i just think that i've come to a truth that i can't deny any longer. i never solve my problems, i just cover them up. there are people missing in my life that i wish still were around, even though they hurt me.
i have all this work to do for school and none of it seems to really be getting done, but it's ok because i'm still doing good in school so far. i've cut my hours down so much that now i'm broke and my car needs a new oil pan, which is crazy expensive because i own a vw. even worse, i can't leave my car for hours at the mechanic, then how am i going to get around?
love/guys. what love? guys walk into my life... make me fall for them and then walk out. i have the best guy friends in the world. but why is it that i can't have that one special guy around. and this feeling is weird because i never really wanted a boyfriend, but i guess i always did and just never realized it because i was so involved in other things. a year later and i still don't understand exactly why me and jj aren't together. i wanna say that i'm over him but although i no longer want him as a boyfriend, there will never be real closure until i know exactly why he left me to go back to his ex if he was never happy with her, and still isn't. i'm tired of the guys who swear they're gonna be around, or who promise me they're different, [ josiah ] and then turn around and become exactly what i did not want.
friends. they're numbered. most are great. but even though i've always been selective and exclusive, and not necessarily the most people friendly person, i guess i kinda wish i had more time to hang out, or to party. i miss the friends from the past. i had a best friend [ jen-e ] for so long, and then i didn't. and i confess: i miss her. we came apart so much and even though i tried i think we held on to our friendship because of memories. we changed so much i guess we became too involved in our own worlds. i have a great best friend now [ maria ]. she is so good to me, and understands me, and i love her. but she'll never be friend i've had since 4th grade. my twin [ leslie ] has gone through so much shyt and i have to admit i haven't much been there for him like i should have. but not because i haven't wanted to, but time is a bitch. no one but him always listened and went so much out of his way for me like he did. and i miss our closeness and jumping in puddles while its raining. it's not the same now though. and i miss those friends who have just drifted away [ so many ]. and i miss even those people who i wasn't that close to, but were still always there. we were the greatest of friends in each class or something like that, but then outside, we each went our own ways. my roomie [ ana ] and i aren't anywhere as close as we used to be. and i miss that. i know we separated with our crazy schedules. but i don't know she stopped trusting me. for a year i have lived with her and nothing was ever missing, and now that something is, she trusts the new friend, but not me. ouch.
family. i feel so apart from them although i try so hard to hold on. my sister [ patty ] i love more than myself. but at times she's too busy being a social butterfly and playing miss popular to realize i need her. maybe it's because i act composed and together that people don't see how much help i need. maybe it's because i don't ask for it. i don't know. my mom, she's trying i guess. but at the same time i can't help but be cautious of her actions because of how many times she's hurt me before. i love her so much, but for some reason we just can't always get along. i miss my family in honduras so much. they're so united, so affectionate, so together, so loyal. i want that. and i wish i could see frankie more, because he's always, always been there for me, through the thickest and the thin. more than a father to me for more than 14 years of my life. and what happened between me and my cousins [ ingrid, patty, elisa ]? we used to be soo close. and now i know we come together and it's the same but for the most part i feel left out on everything.
work. i guess there's not much to complain about here. i have the best job at the office [ Scalora ] where i work with great people [ christine, cristina, michael, and peter ] and at the restaurant [ uno's ] my manager [ harris ] is awesome. but the restaurant hasn't been as much money lately, and i constantly need hours off from the office to get things done. the hours aren't the same so the money isn't the same.
me. i feel ugly on the outside. now i know i'm not and after this confession you won't really ever get me to admit that again but i've gained so much weight, which my mother never fails to remind me. and i want to go back to the gym but i have no time to. i hardly ever have the time, or worse, the patience to do my hair, it's just always a mess. i see myself and i see my sister and she is so gorgeous, she's always into her looks and her hair is 95% of the time done, and her body is just fit. and then there's me. and somehow i have all these guys who make me feel like i'm pretty but none of them mean anything so it doesn't matter. and on top of that i'm worn out. my body is permanently fatigued, but never sleepy tired. my head spins non-stop and although i have a great memory i forget half of what i have to do. i know my priorities but don't always follow them. i live knowing that i will make it, but never knowing when this will all be over. i just want to find a great guy, have my friends around, my family together, and be financially stable. and i guess that is too much to ask for. |
thanks to my sweetie. ;-] i heart him. and now im just chilling wit the bestest sister in the whole wide world. my baby Patty. at her E-son house bc the rentz are leaving for the weekend. Sweet.